It's been awhile, let me see if I still have my blogging groove. Hang on tight, this is going to be a slightly long and depressing one. I haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine to those around me, and I sincerely apologise.
I came back from camp due to a rather bad stomach, got sent away with three small packets of medication and a letter saying I'm unfit for duty for a day. And I slept.
I'm not sure if it was the medication, or that I'm insanely fatigued, I knocked out as soon as I closed my eyes. I've never felt this tired, especially since I did get sufficient sleep the night before. And I dreamt.
In this dream, I saw her again. She was beautiful, with her chestnut hair lightly kissed by the sun, standing and waiting in the park by the main campus. I did not feel as if I loved her there and then. She felt like a memory that I have always known. Like a childhood friend that has always been there, regardless of storms or sunshine. And I approached.
As I walked towards her, a cacophony of emotions struck me like a freak wave and threatened to drown me lest I spoke. Strangely, I was able to speak on my own terms. I was lucid, I was in control. I asked if she was ready, she said yes. We made our way towards the campus. I glanced once more towards her direction as she looked my way. And everything sped up.
Graduation. We're standing on the stage amongst our peers, a few of whom were watching us with quiet suspicion. Did they see something that I did not? The emcee called, we collected our degrees and took our pictures. I waited for her outside with several familiar faces of whom I presumed to be mutual friends, waiting to take a group photograph. She arrived and we stood there, poised for that moment to be immortally captured. And I smiled.
The time felt right, I placed my arms around her waist and pulled her in ever so slightly. She jerked slightly with a surprised start and turned to face me, face tinted rose and looking ever so quizzical. I smiled at her, she smiled back. At that particular moment, I felt that everything was alright with the world, that my search has come to an end. Our friends cheered, asking why it took us so long. I wish I had the answer. And I was fulfilled.
We were in her car, graduation robes dumped in the backseat, driving off towards my apartment. We kissed and I woke up. Just imagine having a giant pair of scissors separating you from everything you've known and loved for a lifetime. And I died inside.
What good are these dreams when all they do is make me yearn for something I cannot attain? Am I looking for fulfillment? Am I looking to be content? I gave up looking for those things for awhile now. Perhaps a fragment of my soul is still on the search for happiness, on the lookout for her. This isn't the first time I've seen her, nor will it be the last. I know that I've seen her somewhere, that I've met this person before but I can't put my finger on who it is exactly.
If only I could sleep forever.
"If you can't find love, then you'll finally see how we kill ourselves slowly." - If We Cannot See by Devics
